When Recovery Gets Hard: My Biggest Test Yet
There will be many moments in eating disorder recovery when things get incredibly tough. These moments are tests—and yes, you will be tested. So it’s important to be prepared for when life throws you a curveball.
For me, my first real test came about two years into my recovery journey. My mom suffered a sudden brain aneurysm. If I hadn’t been home to call 911, she wouldn’t have survived. Thankfully, I was there. She was rushed to the hospital, and after several tests, the doctors confirmed it was a brain aneurysm. They couldn’t operate right away; they had to stabilize her first. Then came the words no one ever wants to hear: “There’s only a 50% chance she’ll make it.”
Take a wild guess how I wanted to cope.
All I could think about was cheesecake—and finding a bathroom. I didn’t want to feel the fear, the helplessness, the grief, the unknown. I wanted to check out. I wanted to be numb. That’s what my eating disorder used to offer me—an escape.
But deep down, I knew the truth: relapsing wouldn’t change a thing. It wouldn’t help me, and it definitely wouldn’t help my mom. It wouldn’t make the fear go away. The pain would still be there after the numbness faded, and she would still be in the ICU fighting for her life.
So, what did I do instead?
I prayed. Hard. I prayed to God. I prayed to my dad who passed away when I was just three. I begged them both for strength, for peace, and to protect my mom. And I cried. A lot. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep. But I didn’t isolate. I didn’t stop eating. I ate—mindfully. Slowly. I was very intentional about not eating too fast, because I could feel the urge to binge creeping in. I made sure I didn’t get too hungry. I stayed connected to myself. I practiced every single coping skill I had learned in recovery.
I took care of myself.
And I’m so grateful to say that we both made it through that terrifying time. My mom survived. I stayed in recovery. That season of life tested me in every way imaginable. It was the most difficult challenge I’ve ever faced during my early eating disorder recovery, but I made it through without going back.
If you’re struggling to stay on track when life gets hard, I see you. Please know this: You can get through hard things without going back to old behaviors. Let yourself feel. Reach out for support. Use your tools. You are stronger than the urge to numb.
much love, kelly